Recently, an old pastor friend of mine ("old" in the sense of being old friends - he is a bit younger than me, so neither of us are old, right?) reached out over text to catch up on how my family and I were handling my terminal diagnosis. In an unfiltered moment, I let slip the observation that "best case scenario for me is worst case scenario for my family." It was crudely put and in need of clarification, but there is solid truth to be understood in that phrase.  And maybe I need to reconsider using it.

     In talking about my condition, my diagnosis, and my life-expectancy over the past two and a half months, the phrases "Best case scenario" and "worst case scenario" have come up quite a few times. Medically speaking, my diagnosis is "worst case scenario." The way my body has not suffered harmful side effects during radiation and chemotherapy has been described as "best case scenario." But when it comes to the children of God, best case and worst case need to undergo a rewrite. But a careful one.

     The apostle Paul, while suffering in prison and mindful of a possible death sentence, wrote to the church in Phillipi, "To live is Christ, to die is gain" (Philippians 1:21). That's what was on my mind when I casually made that remark - because of what the Bible tells us happens to the believer when they leave this life, my death truly is best-case scenario for me. Just as another pastor friend commented when we spoke over the phone from the hospital the day I learned about my tumor, "I'm jealous - you get to be with Jesus!" Without denying the truth of those statements, we need to slow down and read Paul's words in context to understand them better.

     Paul begins by expressing a thought that has guided my response to having cancer: "It is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death" (Philippians 1:20). I may not be in prison for my faith, but my prayer for myself (in addition to praying for complete healing) is that I will honor Christ, in life or in death. It is with that in mind that Paul explains to his friends that to live is Christ (his purpose in life is to honor Christ, as he explains in verse 22) and to die is gain (death is not defeat or loss, but the great gain of heaven's joys).

     But we need to keep reading to understand Paul more fully.  Because in what follows Paul opens up his heart to show the same inner struggle that I feel as well. "Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account" (Philippians 1:22-24). Do I want to continue living my family and church and friends? Yes! Do I want to be with Jesus in a perfect existence? Yes! I'm torn between the two.  I know how amazing it will be in the presence of God, but I love my wife and kids so much that I ache when I imagine leaving them.  And I have precious friendships to continue and a fruitful ministry that feels incomplete.  I am torn between the two!

     Yet, when both options are considered, being with Christ is "far better." But, for the sake of those that we love and serve, we continue in this life. For me to remain living is important to my family, who love me and rely on me to protect and provide for them. For me remain living is important to my church, where God has given me great opportunities to serve through the ministry of the Word. I don't do anything that he cannot do without me, but for whatever reason, he continues to use me. And as long as that is the case, I continue.

     So even if "best case scenario" for Paul is being with Jesus, that's not the best case scenario for Paul overall, when he considers the work and relationships God has given him. So when I told my friend that my death was "best case scenario," I failed to consider it in light of the bigger picture of who I am and who God has allowed me to be. So I take it back. I am unafraid to die, but I am not eager to do so... not yet.

     It's not at all unspiritual to cherish the family, friends, and ministry God has given me so that I am uneager to depart from them, even though I know I go to something better. The trick is to still hold such gifts (life, breath, health, family, friends) with an open hand, so that when God does determine that my time in the flesh is finished, I go to him with joy.

     Paul resolves his dilemma thus: "Convinced of this [that my staying alive is important for your sake], I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:25-26). Let me learn from this that best case scenario for me is to honor Christ in my body, whether by life or by death. I pray that for now and for many years to come, it will be by life.