"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." So begins Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. I may disagree with the first statement, but I'm all in on the second one. Suffering is universal - everyone experiences it in some way, at some time, and to some degree. However, our experiences with suffering can be very distinct and personal.  Scripture gives us a similar observation in Proverbs 14:10, "The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy." Solomon points out that sorrow and joy are very internal experiences. As such they will be experienced differently by different people.  And as is often the case with human nature, we can turn those differences into distinctions, distinctions into comparisons, and comparisons into pride.
     This is not my first time suffering. While I wouldn't say I'm a seasoned veteran of many traumas, I'm also not a rookie. And I'm ashamed to admit that in the past I have sometimes allowed myself to get drawn into trauma one-upmanship. That's when you very humbly, very piously, very seriously make sure people understand that your trauma is worse than theirs. Who had the more difficult childhood? The more scarring experience?  The bitterest heartbreak?  The even darker night of the soul? (For a humorous example of how we do this, watch Brian Regan's Wisdom Teeth story).  
     The comparison trap is always unhealthy, yet trauma comparison feels a little more spiritual than comparing our accomplishments. After all, didn't Paul say, "on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses... I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (2 Corinthians 12:5, 9)?  We know it’s prideful to boast in our strength, wealth, or success, but pride still tries to find an opportunity to set us apart from the crowd. That’s why we start comparing our suffering. We boast without sounding prideful, "I carry the heavier burdens, I’ve endured the greater hardships, and that means that I’m stronger, wiser, and more worthy of attention."  Except that’s not what Paul means when he boasts in his weakness.  
   Paul is not saying, “Because I’ve suffered more, I’m better than those who have not been jailed, whipped, stoned, etc.” Boasting means drawing attention to something, making a big deal of it. Paul is not drawing attention to himself, he’s drawing attention to the things that point away from himself and towards God. Paul’s weakness shows that God’s strength is mighty in Paul’s ministry. Paul’s sufferings show that Jesus is worth every pain we endure for his sake. Shortly before "boasting" in his weaknesses, Paul pointed towards a better way, urging the church to “let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord” (2 Corinthians 10:17).
     But is it even possible to compare our suffering to someone else's?  Remembering the words of Solomon that we looked at earlier, we don't have the ability to know exactly how a person is being affected by their experiences. That means there's no universal standard by which to compare my suffering to that of others. There is no "suffering stick," no objective yardstick by which to measure the pain a person undergoes. One person's "8" on a pain scale of 1-10 may only register as a "4" for someone else.  The same event that presents only a temporary inconvenience to one person may leave deep and lasting emotional scars in another. That doesn't make one person more holy than the other. It just means we are different, purposefully designed that way by the God who fearfully and wonderfully made each of us.
     Just because we can’t compare our suffering, that doesn’t mean it’s all the same. Some wounds are deeper and more lasting than others. Some kinds of suffering pass quickly while others completely change the course of a person’s life. Sometimes the cause of suffering is public and visible, other times it is private and not obvious to an observer. It is wrong of us to assume we know what a person is feeling, just because we know what happened to them. There are many factors that will affect how painful experiences affect us. Truly, “The heart knows its own bitterness.”
     Not only is it not possible make such comparisons, but for those who believe the good news of Jesus Christ, there is no need to compare our neighbor’s suffering to our own. The gospel transforms us in the midst of our suffering. When we make comparisons, we are giving in to the tendency to define ourselves by our suffering. When we do that, we are accepting a worldly view of who we are. The world defines and values us by what we achieve, what we experience, and how we measure up compared to others. The gospel tells a different story. The gospel says you are made in the image of a sovereign, loving Father who has written out your days in advance, so your identity does not come from how you compare to others. The gospel says Jesus loved you enough to give his life in your place, so your value is measured by what Christ has suffered and not by what you have suffered. Rightly did Paul conclude in Galatians 6:14, "Far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ."